Nice is Overrated

I know the title might trigger a surface-level reaction—but hear me out before jumping to conclusions. I would argue, strongly, that holding yourself to the standard of being nice is the enemy of courage. Let me explain what I mean.

There are plenty of situations where nice is an authentic response—and in those moments, it’s appropriate. But I’m talking about the times when adhering to the expectation of being nice overrides your true and authentic soul reaction. To be clear, I’m not talking about emotional triggers. I’m talking about those moments when your gut and body are screaming at you to speak up and push back. Nice becomes toxic when it leads to emotional suppression—when you stifle how you truly feel about what’s happening or how someone is treating you. That’s people-pleasing. It’s when you make yourself and your voice smaller to make others comfortable.

Cheryl Richardson said it best: “You cannot make everyone happy and still remain true to yourself.” If you’re silencing your own voice to avoid conflict and make everyone happy, you’re not honoring those around you with your truth. Not only are you betraying yourself in the process, but you’re also robbing others of the opportunity to see you as you are—and to respond to your authenticity with their own.

Let’s pause for a moment to consider the essence of truth. Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” The idea is that honesty and directness are the kindest paths forward. And yet, being honest and direct often feels uncomfortable—because it goes against the grain of a society that prioritizes diplomacy. But when you peel that back, the long-term effects of avoiding truth can create a ripple of unintentional harm.

People-pleasing isn’t truthful, and it’s not kind. It’s the suppression of self in exchange for short-term validation—at the expense of your own boundaries and self-respect. It’s also misleading to others, because it builds false connection. When you perform niceness, you teach others to engage with a mask—not your authentic self. That creates imbalance and keeps both parties from growing. In choosing nice, in essence, you have stunted yourself and others- albeit unintended consequences.

This kind of performative martyrdom has a multiplier effect. At a bare minimum, by being nice and avoiding conflict when you should be pushing back, you are complicit in enabling and inferring reinforcement of bad behavior. Not only does this impact personal relationships, but in organizations, it can be very detrimental to team dynamics or implicitly drive lower standards. By not putting a voice to truth, you are actually subconsciously trying to control—you are trying to manipulate perceived outcomes or the actions of others. Conflict is not inherently bad—it stimulates growth and innovation.

This multiplier effect, at its worst, means not taking a stand for what is right or speaking against injustices. The desire to “keep the peace” allows toxicity to thrive—and can lead to unethical, immoral, or even dangerous behavior. Real courage means standing up, speaking out, and saying no—even when it risks disapproval. By shielding others with your complicit nice trap, you are denying growth for them and denying yourself the ability to lead with integrity.

We fool ourselves into thinking that being nice is virtuous, when in truth, the opposite is often more accurate. Real strength lies in truth—compassionate truth.

Society’s emphasis on nice—both explicit and unspoken—is enabling dysfunction in individuals, families, organizations, and communities by prioritizing comfort over honesty, and appearance over substance. As Gavin de Becker wisely put it, “Niceness is a decision. It’s a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” Niceness creates a deficit in accountability, feedback, and growth.

Let’s shift the standard from “nice” to “authentic truth.” Because:

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” — Martin Luther King Jr.